Love Sunshine

If I don't get a tan soon my credibility (such as it is), will be in shreds

Yesterday my long-awaited book about Sunshine was published, and the world fell silent with awe. Well, it fell silent. I managed to find one copy in a bookshop in central London, which, of course, I maneuvered into a more favourable position on the racks. No doubt it has been shifted back to its original place by now, and I can see this turning into a fun sport over the coming months. Eventually they will set guards over it, which will make it look more important, and so achieve my ends. Whatever it takes.

But, my main concern at the moment is my pallor. How will my public take me seriously as an expert on sunshine, and defiant champion sun-worshipper, if I remain the colour of old M&S underpants in need of a good boil? Next week I'll be giving a talk at the Daphne Du Maurier Festival in Fowey, Cornwall, and if the sun don't come out before then I'll be denounced publicly as a fraud. Go on a sunbed councils one friend. Go get sprayed another. It's too late for a sunbed. It takes a few weeks to build up to a tan, and, anyway, it's not the same. As for being sprayed. I did that once, and, I'm in no hurry to repeat this.

I was writing a piece for Vogue on the history of the suntan. The Vogue name worked its magic, and got me an interview with the CEO of St Tropez spray tan, and a sample all-over paint job from none other than Posh Spice's personal sprayer. I knew you'd be impressed. Yet, it couldn't have been less glamorous. There I was, in big pants and what looked like a pair of plastic incontinence pants on my head, being given 'definition' (a six pack by the trompe l'oeil of the tanster's craft), for three days of rusty smeardom smelling like an old biscuit tin. O the glamour. And what kind of message would that be? They'd see through it immediately. No. I can't do it. It's real or nothing. I can but pray for sun soon, and toast myself into a presentable state to meet my public. With a tan they might not even recognise me in that bookshop, too.